So, about ten minutes ago, I got the following email:
Dear Friend,
My name is Tony Chan Chun-chuen, friend and close confidant to NinaWang Kung, Who passed away on the 3rd of April 2007. I will save your time by not boring you with all the details at this time, Which has already been disseminated by the international media during the Controversial dispute that erupted between her and her late husband Relatives concerning the huge estate he left behind.
As you will learn after going through the link above, all sorts of stories Have been assumed concerning the huge sum of money she left behind. Some Stories even say she left the bulk of her estate to me .But the truth is,
Although I am the sole custodian of a huge sum of her estate, she left strict Instructions that I hand over the money to charity and also that under no Circumstance should I let any of her late husbands relatives and
even her own Relatives lay their hands on the money. Contrary to media reports, she made Sure her immediate family is well catered for since she had no children of her Own,Before her death Nina Wang went ahead to
dispatch the sum of Eight hundred and Twenty Million British Pounds (820, 000,000.00 GBP) in cash with the assistance Of a foreign diplomat who now resides in Europe, but I will ensure to make her Wish comes through.
Now the reason why I have contacted you is that there is also some other Funds in the tune of $12,000,000.00 with the Hang Seng Bank China,and I want Your assistance for me to transfer these funds in your name to your
account for Both of us I will agree to share with you in a negotiable percentage as far as You agree to take part in this mutual benefiting opportunity.
Please I count on your absolute confidentiality, transparency and trust while Looking forward to your prompt response towards a swift conclusion of this Business transaction through my email address as follows: info_ninawang13@yahoo.com.hk
Thanks & May the Stars Guide us In the Right Path,
I remain yours sincerely,
Tony Chan Chun-chuen
To which I replied:
Dear Tony,
Die in a fire.
Now, I know that my reply will do nothing. I know that this spammer won’t even read it. But I’ve just been getting so many of these emails that I finally just replied to one. It’s totally illogical, but I’d had enough and decided to reply even though I’m 100% it will do no good.
When have you had a moment like that? A moment when you’ve said enough is enough, even though you know your response or reaction wouldn’t change what is driving you nuts?
Ok, so not the best title for a post, but bear with me. Yesterday, Jimmy was telling the story about his motorcycle training course over the weekend. When it came time for the actual test at the end of the day, one person just couldn’t hack it. She folded under the pressure, or, as Jimmy put it, “She folded quicker than a massage table in an immigration raid.”
This got me thinking of all the phrases I use on a regular basis, you know, since I’m such a witty and funny guy. Such as when I’m leaving somewhere, or “I’m out….”
I’m out like the fat kid in dodgeball
I’m out like a boner in sweatpants
I’m out like Muhammed Ali in Jenga
I’m out like George Takei (Sulu)
With Jimmy’s help, here’s a few more…
Hot enough to fry an egg <--definitely not offensive enough
Hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock <--there we go!!
As funny as a fart in a spacesuit
Colder than a well digger’s ass
Colder than a witch’s tit
Busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest
Number than a pounded thumb
As useful as a rubber crutch
As useful as a flat tire on a wheelchair
As useful as a screen door on a submarine
As useful as volume control on a caption machine
As useful as tits on a boar hog
Squirrely as a wooden watch <--I dunno. But it's funny.
One of the things that everyone loves about the internet is the opportunity to become a know-it-all busybody. Wikipedians, how-to forum trolls, if you’ve spent any time on the web with a question, you know there’s some sweaty keyboard jockey out there who’s going to answer it with an undertone for you.
Movie notes are netflix’ way of allowing us to impose our saccharine will on fellow viewers. I’ve never watched a movie that someone recommended, or avoided one because of a pan, but it’s a self-indulgent way to be a part of the “I know stuff” community. Some personal favorites? WELL WHY NOT.
Oh my sainted trousers, this movie is awful. There are almost no words, except “if you’re having an 80s party where the object is to laugh at hideous film wrecks, this is my #1 choice
Ed Norton’s first suckfest. Wooden characters, awkward dialog, after-school-special plot complexity, and freaking JESSICA BIEL. She has all the talent of a potato weevil. Boo.
Painful and irritating as a bladder infection, this isn’t a documentary so much as it is 5 wankers spouting nonsense about the band, its music, etc. The people who made this should be ashamed.
A cheese fest with B-actors left over from Star Trek series. George Takei is the “big star”, but Q (remember Q from TNG?) is in it too. Lame script, crappy acting and little else. Do some laundry
Meh. This movie is the cinematic equivalent of a petit mal siezure. You’re like “woah” but it’s really just jittery, shaky, and doesn’t really do much in the end. Williams is mildly funny
Roger Ebert is a frozen turd. This movie has all the excitement of a wheel of cheese and the character depth of the smash hit 1980s Atari 2600 game “Missile Command
I, II and III are all trash. Visually interesting trash, sort of like fruit roll-up wrappers, but trash nonetheless. Watch this movie for the fight scene and the resulting wind-up into Episode IV.
The more movies I watch, the more I realize that World War 2 was one good time after another, and the more jealous I become of everyone who got to take part in it
Ugh. I found myself wishing everyone in this movie dead. There is a scene with Gwyneth in a belly shirt that is worth watching. Mostly you’re better off watching the home shopping channel knife show
Well folks, it’s been a while since we posted here at tellhimfred.com. Sure, we’ve been pretty active on the forums, but we’ve neglected the blog. Sorry about that.
I’ve been trying to think of a post, and came up with nothing whatsoever. I don’t just want to add a post for the purpose of adding a post. So I waited. And waited. Then inspiration hit me.
This morning I needed some funk. It’s been one of those mornings, as I realized I’d bitten off way more than I can chew. On Friday I was feeling pretty ninja-like, as I figured out a way to do some xml grabbing, saving, etc. It was pretty badass when you consider the fact that I haven’t really been coding for about a year now. I was feeling pretty good, then this morning happened. Because of what I’d done, they asked me to take it 10 steps further and do some wild drunken monkey level stuff. Grabbing the xml, parsing, saving data, and throwing it into a database. Stuff that’s really interesting to me, but above my head.
I was a little bit overwhelmed, and frankly, felt pretty stupid. This is stuff our engineers and science folks could do in their sleep, but I don’t know much about. So, what did I do? Did I despair?
Nope. I went to the funk.
Being a lilly white male from upstate New York, it might be strange to some that I use the funk as my security blanket. The funk is my happy animal. And I honestly think that the funk is universal. I think the world would be a better place if everyone spent 20 minutes a day just getting a little funked up.
So, here’s my gift to you. A small sample of that which will change your entire perspective. Watch these clips, and I defy you to be in a bad mood. It’s physically impossible.
Well, last night at 11:23 was the last time legendary Boston sportscaster, Bob Lobel, signed off the air. He once said, “thousands of sportscasts, and none of them went the way they were supposed to.” I guess last night began about the same. A little after I got home last night, Bob was sitting on top of the Sox dugout, practically in a puddle on Ch. 4. “I’m sitting in America’s most beloved ballpark, in America’s least beloved weather.”
Bob Lobel started at Ch. 4 in 1979 and covered everything Boston sports related, right down to the high school sports. Through all the pain of the Red Sox, the Celtics’ ’80s dynasty, the rise of the New England Patriots, and the legendary 2004 Sox season (which I got to personally chat w/ Bob about once a week for a couple minutes). Some things I remember from broadcasts: He was literally in Carlton Fisk’s kitchen in 2000 when Fisk got the call from Cooperstown. In 2002, he re-enacted Adam Vinatieri’s Snow Bowl game winning kick against the Raiders, in the studio. They had a goal post set up in the studio, Vinatieri kicked it…., right into a overhanging light, which exploded. If you goto YouTube, you’ll find tons of outtakes and funny stuff.
When I was 4 or 5, my father took me to the Newington Mall in Newington, NH to see Bob Lobel and Bob Neumeier (former GM of the Pats) do their “Calling All Sports” call-in show. To me, growing up watching Lobel, he was the icon of Boston sports, when you’re a kid, you don’t realize there’s other broadcasters out there. In 2004, Bob Lobel became a regular of mine at Houston’s restaurant, right through the whole legendary 2004 Sox season when they broke The Curse.
New England will certainly miss you, Bob. Hopefully we’ll see you on NESN sometime soon.
EDIT: Right after I posted this, I found this article on Bob Lobel. Funny how the couple anecdotes I mentioned are in here too, as well as others. Plus some other great info on him.
Several months back, Barry and I made a bet on who’d get the nod from the Democrats to be the candidate to replace the war hawks Republicans. Foolishly, I took Hillary, he took Obama. The bet is simple, winner buys loser a steak dinner. Over the ensuing months, I realized that Hillary is completely batshit crazy and will do/say anything to get into the White House. This is one bet I don’t want to win.
I now support Obama, for various reasons we don’t need to go into here. I leave you with this video, Baracky: The Movie. I have to go now…, I’m having terrifying flashbacks of the sniper fire I avoided while coming across the Charlestown Bridge last summer.
Thanks to KPG for the video.
EDIT: that was not in fact a sniper on top of the Garden. I was just really tired and mixed it up. It was, in fact, a relatively accurate pigeon.
1. The temperature is 76 degrees, with low relative humidity. Basically, this is perfect weather for humans. I don’t care who you are, 76 and not muggy is bliss.
2. Currently, 3 players on the Boston Red Sox are hitting above .400. Those three guys lead the AL in hitting. The Sox lead the league in the following offensive statistics: average, runs scored, RBIs and total bases.
3. The Pats can draft a dead mule this year, and they’re still going to be one of the most, if not the most rampage-through-the-AFC, pile-driving, turf-destroying team in football.
4. The Bruins kind of sucked toward the end of the year, but at least they made it to the playoffs. Boston used to be in love with its Bruins. But then the Bs went on kind of a mental-illness-coke-and-booze bender, and ended up wearing a fennel wreath and paper pants making hemp bracelets on a “farm” for a few years. But now the Bs are back, sober, smelling like Vick’s vapo-rub and CK One, and Boston, while not ready to jump back in the sack with them, are at least willing to do some heavy petting.
5. The Celtics are Godzilla. You are Japan. Deal with it.
6. We can go back to pretending the New England Revolution doesn’t exist.
Today is a monumental day. I am proud to announce that we, the members of the TellHimFred.com news team, will be opening our first retail store. We have pooled our money and resources and signed the lease for a location in Revere Beach to be called Sweatsuits and Pinky Rings. From the press release:
Revere Beach Welcomes New Retail Store: Sweatsuits and Pinky Rings
REVERE, Ma. April 21, 2008- TellHimFred.com, a Boston-area communications company has announced it will be expanding into retail sales with their flagship Revere Beach store, Sweatsuits and Pinky Rings.
TellHimFred.com founder Barry Freed described the business as “a quintessential example of supply and demand.” Freed noted “I was driving down the Boulevard and noticed that sweatsuits were the de facto fashion choice of area residents. Whether they’re wearing Adidas running suits or the more bold velour version, the prevalence of running suits here is incredible. That’s when inspiration hit: where are folks buying them? I looked around for nearly half an hour and realized there are absolutely zero retail outlets dedicated to the warm up sweatsuit. It’s a huge opportunity.”
Upon sharing the idea with local residents at Bill Ash’s Lounge, the TellHimFred.com crew were met with two reactions: excitement and scorn. “Some people thought that we were mocking the people of Revere, and I could understand their reaction. A couple of out of towners trying to open a store in Revere could be seen as making fun of the local culture. And the name “Sweatsuits and Pinky Rings” is somewhat lighthearted. But I can assure you, we’re just trying to bridge the gap between demand and in-stock availability” said Freed.
Freed noted that the Pinky Rings portion of the business resulted from the unique skillset of the TellHimFred.com team. “We are fortunate to have some extremely talented people as part of our organization, including a custom jewelry designer. We saw the retail store as a unique opportunity to capitalize on our strengths” noted Freed.
The store is scheduled to open in the fall. “We’ll be announcing the ribbon-cutting ceremony on TellHimFred.com as soon as details emerge. We’d like to thank the great people of Revere for giving us the chance to serve the community.”
On Saturday, I made my foray back into the world of motor vehicles, by purchasing “Sookie” - a 1982 Suzuki GS850G from a guy up in Chelmsford. No, the name came with the bike, and if you’re ever wondering about what happens when you change the name of a vehicle, just ask me or Loki sometime what happened to the lobster boat we used to have.
Anyway.
I’d wanted a motorcycle for a while, but never really had a place to start or a fire under me about it, until last Thursday. The Blue Line stopped running, due to a power struggle, or a power failure, or something to do with the abuse of power. Cabs couldn’t be found because of a horrible accident on the pike combined with the shutdown of an entire arm of the MBTA. I was lucky enough that opposite was on his way to work WITH his car (since you can’t get out of Beastie without some kind of transportation) and was able to come get me. It was then I decided it was time to stop relying on the drunken 5-year olds that run the Mass Bay Transit Authority for my ride to work every day.
I was a little worried about buying a vehicle off Craigslist to begin with, doubly so for a motorcycle, since I currently have absolutely no clue how to drive, operate, repair or talk about motorcycles. I figured that I’d poke around for a while and read some reviews, etc. But I happened across an ad for a bike I happen to know is a quality piece of machinery - because my friend Loki owns one. Same year and everything. Price was absolutely right, and was reasonably local.
Took the trip up to Chelmsford Saturday morning - if you’re wondering where Chelmsford is, it’s just west of Relevant. The guy, Jim, was SUPER nice. Spent a good hour showing me various ins and outs of the bike. How to change the oil. How to check the spark plugs. How to replace the exhaust. On and on. I found myself actually understanding some of it, too! He had the owner’s manual, several printed booklets on different specific jobs - boot rings (?) re-jetting carbs (?) etc. etc.
Two brand new oil filters, a new speedometer/tachometer/fuel gauge (the old one is broken, so he gave me the new one without installing it and reduced the price), two DOT approved SHOEI helmets, a set of leather saddlebags, and a bunch of miscellaneous parts.
So how do we get the bike back to Boston? Easy. He takes a plate off his new bike, bolts it to Sookie, and follows me back on the bike. No better operating test for a bike than driving 40 miles! Cutty and I gave him a lift back to Chelmsford, and bam, the bike is all mine, waiting in Cutty’s driveway for me to take the MSF safety course, bolt on the new tach, and then hit the road!
Cutty and I are taking the course the first weekend in May. Can’t wait. I feel like I’m 8 years old waiting for Christmas to come.
Okay, here goes. My neighbors put up a basketball hoop right next to my apartment. Every single day the kids are out there shooting hoops right outside my window, and they are bouncing balls off my wall. It’s only a matter of time before they break a window- it is GOING TO HAPPEN.
Every morning they start at 8 am, which isn’t too bad because I’m always gone to work by then. But it’s not the nicest thing to wake up to on the weekends.
Rather than complaining, I just kept telling myself “Hey, it’s just kids having fun, and it’s not like they’re waking me up.” So I’ve let this go on for weeks without saying anything. But since I work from home most Fridays, they’re driving me insane with rage and I really want to do something about it. But is it too late? Is my lack of complaint thus far basically the same as telling them it’s not a problem? If something goes on for a couple of weeks, do I suddenly lose the right to say anything? What would you do in this situation?
Today is a monumental day. I am proud to announce that we, the members of the TellHimFred.com news team, will be opening our first retail store. We have pooled our money and resources and signed the lease for a location in Revere Beach to be called Sweatsuits and Pinky Rings. From the 